“What brings you into this Spiritual Exercise meeting?” When I asked the participants this question, most of them answered, “I want to deepen my relationship with God.” We were a group of eight, engaged in our busy lives, and yet we wanted to come together through the Spiritual Exercises.
The Spiritual Exercises are a set of Christian contemplations and prayers written by Ignatius of Loyola, who lived from 1491 to 1556. This practice helps deepen our relationship with God and make important life decisions through seeking God’s will in our daily life. We have committed to 30 weeks of daily prayer and reflection and supporting one another through a weekly meeting.
When we meet, we share our experience of using Ignatius’s method of contemplating the Scriptures over the past week. The group facilitators offer material for the coming week and facilitate the group to help members pay attention to God’s movements. The group facilitators help members live out the consequences of their relationship with God.
During our time together so far, I lived through a season of frustration and mild depression. The frustration was propelled by the rejection of my applications to two full-time Christian spirituality faculty positions. When I meditated on Jesus’ temptations, I learned more about myself. I was trying to acquire power, status, and possessions through these jobs.
When I contemplated Jesus’ Gethsemane prayer and facing of his own death, I saw Jesus’ sorrow, agony, and need: “Stay with me!” In his prayer, even though he expressed his desire, he finally accepted God’s will from his heart. Jesus was able to suffer and die for the love of his disciples, other people, and us because he surrendered to God’s will.
In contrast, his disciples, especially Peter, denied knowing Jesus and ran from him. Many religious leaders were trying to lead Jesus to his death at the hands of the Roman Empire in order to keep their power. I sensed Jesus’ voice, the disciples’ wounds, and religious leaders’ nefarious agendas.
Gradually, Jesus Christ revealed why my ego wanted these faculty positions. I wanted to hide my issues within the power of a position, for example, my low-self-esteem, my fear of being rejected, and my inadequateness. However, Jesus kept inviting me to come to his heart and see myself as I am, as he sees me. I practiced facing my darkest wounds, pain, and the fear that can take me over. In my contemplative prayer, I was able to name these and see them as they were and embrace them. As I continued my comtemplative practice, I started feeling gratitude and joy as I got to see myself as Christ sees me. I could accept myself for the small things that I can do in the service of God even though I don’t have a powerful position. This process of accepting myself as I am was liberating. This journey took me from my ego dominating my self-image to being able to see myself truly and in the eyes of the Lord.
I became more naked before God and the group members as I shed my ego, which was trying to grasp power, fame, and security for itself. The more naked I became, the more my authentic self could embrace who I truly am. I became more seeking of God’s wisdom, will, and presence so that, now, I may bring God’s love to those I meet. The whole process gave me spiritual freedom. I became much more true to myself, engaging in small acts with God’s loving heart rather than doing work that feeds my ego from praise and status.
How did this happen? My answer is that it happened by God’s grace. I appreciate that I can deeply engage in Ignatian contemplative prayer with the other group members. And whenever I share my experiences with them, they hold me as I am, without judgment. The group’s support creates a space where the Spirit leads me to spiritual freedom. I am grateful that the group members are accompanying me on this journey.
In this season of the coronavirus crisis, we are still gathering to share via a Zoom call. Even though we prefer to meet in person, gathering virtually is an excellent way of joining together. Despite the physical distance, we can sense our spiritual closeness through God. Each member has their own crisis, health issues, or relationships; we have been sharing our concerns and emotions and are holding each other together in God. This solidarity with one another gives us space toward others during this crisis. If we have a community where Jesus Christ is at the center, we can have faith, hope, and love no matter how severe the problems are that we face, and we can get through this crisis as we expand our solidarity and compassion to others in the world.
The Reverend Dr. Daeseop Yi is pastor and a scholar of Christian spirituality with a Ph.D. from the GTU. He is a NCB Visiting Professor of Spirituality and a Spiritual Director.